Hesitation by Jordan Bucenec

Hesitation

Come across this bridge with me,

I don’t know where it’s headed,

but I can assure you,

we’ll make it onto the other side.

You hesitate

and that’s all it took

For me to know that the feelings between us weren’t mutual

I laugh,

Freely, almost like there wasn’t an ever-present hand choking around my neck,

Or tears hidden behind my eyes.

I should’ve known

My touch wasn’t what you desired

It was her.

A skinny frame

And a larger bust

A sweeter smile

Longer hair

And plumper lips

A tiny waist

And freckled arms

With gentle hands

That you could hold

And not feel the coldness that ran through mine.

And perhaps she's your warmth

Maybe her lips mold with yours, and they fit like puzzle pieces.

Maybe you enjoy the feeling of her hip bones jabbing into your sides

Or the way her long hair sheds onto your bedsheets

Maybe you heard chimes when she laughs

Or angels when she sings

I’m sorry about the fat that hangs around my hips

And the fact that my upper lip is smaller than my bottom

And my cold hands

I’m sorry I cut my hair

And that my laugh sounds like whistles

And that I don’t like to sing.

But you have her.

And she is beautiful.

So I forget the soft lines that form between your eyebrows

And the veins that flow down your arms

I’ll forget the sound of your laugh

And the feeling of your hair between my fingertips

I’ll forget the way you used to lean your head against my shoulder

And how warm your hands felt

I’ll forget.

I forget as I cross the bridge

Without you.