Sparta Student Found Dead, Autopsy Points to DBQ as Cause of Death By: Alyssa Lasko

The front cover of the daily newspaper read:

SPARTA STUDENT FOUND DEAD, AUTOPSY POINTS TO DBQ AS CAUSE OF DEATH

An unnamed student was found and later pronounced dead on Monday morning October 29th. She was just 15 years old.

The police investigated the household for nearly the whole evening until they discovered a rough draft of a Document Based Question, a.k.a DBQ. Dr. Chen, a pathologist, believes this caused the death of the teen.

“There’s not much to debate. [Double D] even said the assignment stood for ‘Death By Question’ several times during class [last year]. It was an accident waiting to happen, there’s not much we could have done to prevent this."

Only 15 years old. This unnamed victim will never have the chance to enjoy a sweet 16 or go on to impact our world.

How can we allow such a heinous crime to go overlooked?

Simple, we can't. It is time we finally get to the root of a so-called "Document Based Question" and discover what "HIPPO" really stands for.

My name is agent Assam and I will not tolerate this injustice. Join me and we will solve this case faster than you can say "Looks like we have another mystery on our hands, gang".

Welcome to T.E.A time.

[TRUTH EXPOSING ASSOCIATION]

            

A few of you have already read a piece by one of my colleagues, Agent Jasmine. She studied the mind of Jake Paul (and did a fantastic job if I may say so, 11/10 would recommend). While her topic was one that had already been investigated, our point of interest is something that not many people question. Most accept DBQs for what they are described to be and mindlessly nod their heads when one speaks of them. This is unfortunately a common fault in society today. Not questioning something only leads to an obedient and pliant mass. So, as my cousin would say, let's "never trust packages" and extrude the truth.

Through copious amounts of research and intensive thought processes, I have condensed DBQs into three main topics. After evaluating all that we can from each, then and only then will all our questions be answered.

Topics are as follows:

Exhibit A: "D.B.Q"
Exhibit B: "H.I.P.P.O"
Exhibit C: Documents

Without further ado, 

Exhibit A: "D.B.Q"

I slaved deep into the night, pulled endless all-nighters but it was all worth it. DBQ really stands for

Disregard
Broken
Quacks



I know, I know. I am a genius.

After extensive research I have determined exactly which breed of duck's quack is referred to as being "broken". What else could it be than a duck that cannot quack at all? Thus, I have found the government to be singling out Muscovy Ducks. 



Under the federal Migratory Bird Treaty Act Muscovy ducks (native only to Texas), are only protected in Texas. Elsewhere, despite their decreasing population, it is fair game to hunt and kill these ducks. Why would that be? Are Muscovy ducks aggressive? No, they are actually quite friendly. Do they endanger other duck species? No, must ducks prefer plants but the Muscovy primarily feast on mosquitoes (which help Florida's mosquito issue a ton). So why doesn't the US government protect these ducks? Well to answer that question my fellow detectives we must direct our focus to 

Exhibit B: "H.I.P.P.O"

The US government has over 1,400 species under its protection due to the Endangered Species Act (ESA) of 1973 and spends an average of about $1.5 billion per year on the act. Too put this into perspective, the average amount spent per year on ESA is 2.5 times more than how much Trump (before becoming president) makes a year. If you're doing something with money and you have somehow managed to exceed Trump, you know what that means, you're dealing with a LOT of money. All of you know the government is in a ton of debt so the ESA isn't going to be getting more money anytime soon. The ESA just doesn't have enough funds to extend their protection to the Muscovy duck. (This, of course, does not pardon the ESA's disgusting bias against ducks who can not quack. Honestly despicable.)

Now this is where H.I.P.P.O comes into play. So far we have established that the ESA doesn't receive enough money to protect Muscovy ducks but want to know what does receive a ton of money? The military. In 2017 the military received $590 billion dollars, that's over 393 times as much money given to the ESA! And I know exactly what the government is doing with all of this money. The US government is trying to put hippos in our army.



I know this may seem crazy but hear me out. Hippos are known to be extremely aggressive, and possibly the most dangerous mammal on Earth. They can run up to 14 mph for short distances and kill an advantage of 3,000 people per year. What's more is hippos are (somewhat) already involved in the US Army. The Load Handling System Compatible Water Tank Rack is nicknamed hippo and H.I.P.P.O is a military term. H.I.P.P.O stands for Headquarters Information Program Planning Office and I'm no military general but words like "office" and "information" sound like they'd have to do with (you guessed it) Documents a.k.a Exhibit C.

Boom mind blown.



I know this may be a lot for some people to take in but it's the truth. I hope one day we all will come together to see the errors of our government and work as one to show love to ducks who cannot quack, keep hippos out of the military, and to reduce Trump's salary.

Thank you for joining me on this fascinating endeavor. I hope you enjoyed this edition of T.E.A time.

- Agent Assam, Conspiracy Theorist