Quite Abstract by Liv Przydzial

Quite Abstract 

by Liv Przydzial 

At first, panic. 

At first, stupid. 

At first, freedom. 

At first, dangerous. 

And now? 

Merely abstract. 

-----------------------------------------------------

Oh, friendly darkness. 

Suffocate me. 

Swallow me. 

Dissolve me. 

Hide me from myself, 

from this world. 

From reality. 

Let me flow with the wind, 

a million particles racing, 

racing, 

racing, 

racing, 

to their ends and onward, 

back to their beginnings. 

Let me discover myself amongst the silence. 

Oh, heavy, wonderful, endless s t i l l n e s s, 

Heavier than the fog we could only taste. 

Thicker than the newborn, impenetrable army 

of saplings that brush by us. 

We. Us. 

We? Us? 

'Twas anything but still. 

Shadows in every corner, 

Watching, lurking, waiting, 

Waiting. 

Waiting. 

Waiting. 

Waiting, but for what? 

For me to let down my guard. 

I am less than alone, 

but far from it at the same time. 

Fear. 

Fear what? 

Fearing the shadows was like fearing oneself. 

Fear who? 

I'm alone; myself? 

The only thing to fear, 

was fear itself. 

Not a leaf swished. 

Not a branch snapped. 

Not a drop dripped. 

Dead stop. 

This was far enough. 

Was it ever far enough, though? 

A leaf swishes. 

A branch,

snaps. 

A drop - 

Wait. 

Hush, mind. 

Who's there? 

What's there? 

Why? 

And it all comes back in a blur: 

Cover your left eye with your hand, and stare at the flame. Stare at it for a while. Hush, hush. Now blow it out, and uncover your eye. Look across from you. Can you see them? 

Yes, we can see them. 

Now, before it wears off, stare at their heads. Command your focus. Control it. What happened? 

Their heads, di- disappeared? 

Yes. It's easy to hide, but hard to be found. Quite abstract. 

I have a match. 

But I don't want to be found, 

more than I want to know what I'll find. 

I know what I fear. 

I know how to lie to myself, too. 

But here, 

but now, 

alone, 

what I know doesn't matter. 

'I' is a liar. 

A thief. 

'I' thinks 'I' am smart enough to believe 'my' own lies. 

Well, 'I' was wrong. 

Right here, 

right now, 

the fear lies in remembering, 

in losing myself, 

in my 'dreams', 

in my flaws, 

in too much, or too little, or just right, 

in being reckless, in being perfect, 

in myself. 

I was fine. That's just what the darkness does to you. Quite abstract.