It's everywhere it shouldn't be: its claws in my shoulder as I laugh with my friends, as I take hikes to clear my head. Why aren't you studying, running, doing anything worth while you sorry excuse for an individual you have to do more, work more train more be more so I'm sleeping less now, I'm trying to convince myself it's voluntary but that's a level of arrogance I doubt I'll ever reach. I do more work but I somehow still leave things for the last minute and I think they call these self-destructive tendencies? These hikes I take and hours I spend thinking about college majors because I don't think I'm suited for anything in particular and instead of studying for my math test I find myself jotting down ideas for a college essay I'm not gonna have to write because somehow I've convinced myself if I don't ace this math test no college admissions office is going to let me within ten miles of their school. It's around and around in circles like this, I'm not doing enough and I'm sleeping less now. Terrible dreams of violence and dread and hopelessness filling every hour I spend unconscious, every second I'm not there to shove the crippling fear of failure back into its tiny box in the back of my brain. Stress is gnawing at me, nagging me to find more hours of sunlight in the day that I must have overlooked somehow, go back and check and look now you've wasted more time you insolent fool I can't seem to get it right, can't seem to learn from the mistakes I haven't made yet but I have to try because I'm not allowed to make them: the system rewards perfection, not growth and I'm sleeping less now hoping the dark circles under my eyes will teach me a lesson so my math grade doesn't have to. The light at the end of the tunnel is dull but I'm trudging forward regardless. I'm sleeping less now. I'm not sure why.
Such great writing. Is the picture an interpretation of how you feel?
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