My Journey With Confidence-- by, Jenna Marie

I've put this blog post off for a very long time, because I had no idea what to write. I didn't want to be cliche with this topic of what's important to me, and coming up with an original idea was harder than I had anticipated. This was a chance for my peers to perhaps get to know me better. I dabbled in the ideas of music, or sports... maybe even success and its role in my life. But I knew that using any one idea wouldn't do the theme justice. I'm greater than a sum of my parts, and I wanted to catch a bit of my being. Sure, each thing I listed above has significance in my life. In fact, I wouldn't be who I am today without each and every one of them. But, I've come to realize that the people that I meet don't really understand who I am, or what I do. For example, my music teacher only sees how well I play the violin, not how fast I can run up a field. Or take my coaches. They certainly know how well I play, possibly my weak points in my game, but they don't know how I fair in school. Even fellow students only see this shy, tiny girl who is smart and, possibly to some, an obnoxious show off. So with this in mind, I decided that what's important to me isn't some specific topic, but to get who I really am across so that I am no longer misjudged. However, the idea of going over all that I do seemed a bit obnoxious so I'll spare you. Instead I'll focus on what's held me back, self-doubt, and how I've begun to deal with it.

I've always lacked a faith in my abilities. Since as long as I can remember, I always questioned whether I was right, whether I belonged. This could be due to a number of factors dealing with more personal reasons, but I believe the biggest one is my need for perfection, especially in instances of competition. No matter how well I would perform a movement in a concerto, how well I executed a pass, how well I did on a test, I could never get this feeling out of my had that it just wasn't good enough. I could do better was fine, but it soon became should have done better, which became why can't I do anything right. Thinking back on it, it's silly that I forced my beliefs onto others without their saying a single word against my abilities, but so it was, and it really was a doozy on the good ol' self confidence.  It got to the point that every time I got onto the field, or the court, or on the stage, my palms would sweat profusely and I'd begin to overthink. Joy was lost, because of my lack of confidence.

As a kid raised as a competitor, I knew a lack in confidence meant hesitation, and hesitation meant choking. Believe me I've heard many a time that I've got to go out there "cocky and play loose" (quote courtesy of my dad), but easier said than done. Especially when I know I can't get arrogant and make stupid mistakes. I have to be realistic after all. There's no room for idiocy when I'm on the field or playing a solo. At least that's what I told myself. And it really held me back. I realize that now, and with that realization came a change in mentality. Now every time I go out onto that field, I go over in my head that I belong. That I'm better than they know, because I've worked for it. I've really worked hard. Maybe I'm not the best, but I will contribute. Now I don't hesitate to call for the ball. I don't dread every minute I'm out on the field. Gone is the fear of failure, and it is replaced with a thirst for success. Perhaps this makes me arrogant, but I don't really care because for once I remember why I loved the activities I take part in now. I have fun again. And that's all I need to know that I made the right choice. To know that I beat self-doubt.